


Shut Out

by FadingThroughNebulae



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Broken Friendship, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Drama, Emotional Baggage, First work - Freeform, Game: Kingdom Hearts II, Gen, Past-regret, Platonic Relationships, Post-Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days, Repressed Memories, Somewhat-Canon, Speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 22:06:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21776218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FadingThroughNebulae/pseuds/FadingThroughNebulae
Summary: How much can one be used by their best friend?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	1. Found

Axel woke up at two in the morning, and for the first time since Roxas left, exhaustion didn’t reclaim him so he could sleep away the recollections that piled-up in the back of his mind. He laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling, hands tucked behind his head. His thumbs pressed into the sides of his neck, and his thoughts careened one after the other, appearing and fading like thick smoke. The heart-shaped moon shone through the window, casting panels of light on the plain white walls around him. Axel’s eyes drifted to and from his shadow on his right. After an hour of waiting, and trying to settle in with no success, he kicked off the covers, and yanked on his boots, the chains on his coat jingling. He headed down the hall, hands shoved into his pockets as he made his way to one of the break areas in the castle.

He went straight for the Keurig machine when he got there, popping in a capsule of espresso, and placing a paper cup with the nobody insignia printed on it underneath. As it brewed, he wandered over to the vending machine, sliding in some munny from his coat. A cinnamon bear claw fell into the drop-deposit, and Axel ripped the package open, tearing it apart with his teeth as he watched the coffee pour into the cup in a thin stream.

He glanced around the room then, the empty tables bathed in a sleepy paleness, and he took another bite of his early-morning snack. His gaze fell to his shoes. It used to be where everyone wanted to be in the same break room as him, chattering away while he would scarf down his instant noodles in a rush to go do something else, or silently urge the Keurig to work faster so he could have something substantial to keep his eyes open for the rest of the afternoon.

The wispy purple clouds drifted past the horizontal window outside, and Axel thought back to the days when half the organization was still here. Thinking back to how things used to be a lot noisier, with Larxene picking on Demyx and laughing with Luxord and Marluxia, with Vexen spouting off scientific nonsense that no one besides Zexion could understand. Axel sighed as the Keurig sizzled with popping steam, the drink finally done. He finished off the bear claw and wiped his hand off on his coat, smearing icing on his side, then he grabbed his espresso, heading for the balcony next to the grey area. He took a sip every few steps, the drink hot and bitter. It burned his tongue and throat as it went down, but he ignored that. It was nice to feel something, at least.

When he walked outside, Axel slowly exhaled, his breath forming vapor in front of him. It was less stuffy out here, the air crisp at this altitude. He stared out over the dark buildings of the world, neon lights humming in the distance. After taking another swig of coffee, Axel balanced his cup up on the railing, and crossed his arms on the thick metal bar in front of him. He lowered his face down, his mouth pressing to his wrist, still staring at the horizon. The chill of the railing pierced through his coat and a light wind drifted up from below, stirring his hair around his face.

“Why are you up?” Saix spoke from behind him.

“Well, good morning to you, too.” Axel didn’t bother raising his head. His words were slightly muffled from his mouth being buried in his arms.

When Saix didn’t say anything else, Axel offered some half-excuse.

“The moonlight kept getting in my eyes. You guys should install some curtains.”

“I’ll relay your concerns to Xemnas,” Saix said, coming up next to him.

“Sure you will,” Axel said, shifting his face to the side. After a beat, he straightened, stretching one arm behind his head, pulling back on his elbow. “D’you come out here to lecture me or what?” He said as he scratched his cheek with his thumb. He then reached for his coffee.

“We found Roxas.”

Axel’s hand bumped the paper cup and it sailed over the side of the railing, down into the massive white crater underneath the floating fortress. He watched it for a split second before shooting a look back at Saix, one eye pinched closed and his mouth agape. “Huh?”

“He’s trapped, in a world of data.”

Axel stared up at the overhang. “And that has to do with me because-?”

“You knew him best. Or am I wrong?”

“Maybe I did. So?”

“So you’ve been tasked with bringing him back.”

Axel laughed, waving his hand. “You’re kidding.”

When Saix’s expression remained unchanged, Axel's head tilted to the side, and he analyzed the spokes on the balcony.

“You’re serious.” He crossed his arms. “And I suppose you have a way for me to get there?”

“I will give you the coordinates, of course,” Saix said.

“Heh, you're good at keeping tabs, I'll give you that.” Axel unfolded his arms. “I better get on it then. You owe me a coffee, by the way,” he said with a wide arm gesture as he began to walk off.

Saix responded the way he usually did when he couldn’t create words, closing his eyes and giving a quiet laugh through his nose.

“Axel,” he said.

“Hmm?”

“You can rest once Roxas has returned.”

Axel paused, then accepted he may not see his bed again for a while.

“Sure thing, sir. Thank you, sir. Whatever you say," he said, talking with his hands, then he headed back to his room to prepare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you made it here to the end, thank you for reading! Comments and kudos appreciated. Will update in the upcoming days.


	2. Data

Instead of heading out on his mission immediately, Axel lingered for a while in the city, stalling the inevitable meet-up. His fingers ran over the ice cream stick in his pocket, the grooves of the label "winner" now rubbed soft. He let it go and slipped his hand out of his coat, worried if he pressed his touch to it anymore, he'd whittle through it and splinter it in half. A light rain began to fall, water catching in his hair and he gave a small shudder as several rain drops worked their way down his neck. Axel paused when he came across the building, _that_ building. He put his hand to the wall that he had leaned against days before, when Roxas walked out of his life. Such a selfish thing to do. Now he was being forced to do something selfish back. 

Axel dropped his hand, starting at the windows illuminating light, and he rubbed the back of his neck. His left shoulder was killing him, but he decided he'd postponed this long enough, knowing Saix would get on his case. With a sigh, he opened a dark corridor with the directions playing out in his head. Axel still never understood how one could be embedded into a data-world, let alone waltz right in. Yet he managed to do just that.

His heart felt heavy when he saw Roxas, fighting some short creature in a hat with a blue baton. He wanted to sit him down, explain everything to him, but he held back, his mind telling him it wasn't wise. Then the dusks came, materializing out of the creature and from the side of the platform. Saix likely sent them out earlier to find the kid. Axel commanded his own assassin nobodies to enter the mix, and Roxas managed to slay them all. As Roxas caught his breath, Axel took the chance and stepped out of the shadows. Even when he revealed his face, Roxas didn’t show one shred of remembrance- of him or the organization. Axel summoned his chakrams. It was this stupid place, messing with the kid's memory, taking the only thing Roxas had of his own, and erasing it. Erasing their time together, erasing Axel who trained him, helped him even. He no longer lived in Roxas's memories. Perhaps that's what hurt most.

Axel kept his true feelings close to the chest as he lashed out at Roxas after threatening him, now hoping to spark some sort of recollection through anger or some similar emotions as they fought. Then _he_ showed up.

“So it was you,” Axel said, recognizing the man with red fabric tied around his face by his voice.

Before any past thoughts of Radiant Garden could surface, Axel hurled his chakrams at the man. He performed guard, reflecting the attack and sending Axel’s weapons whizzing into the distance. Soon after he shouted Roxas’s name, and they called to him back and forth, Axel was expelled from the data by Diz. He ended up on his side back in the castle, a dark corridor swelling closed behind him.

He let out a cough and got to his feet, an awful pounding in his head. With a hand pressed to his temple, and what felt like a large bruise forming over his left ribs, he headed for the showers. He got halfway before Saix intercepted.

“Where’s Roxas?”

“Give me a break, a’right. I tried." Axel tried to walk past. "The old man is running the show down there, though. You must know that much, if the dusks are there. There’s only so much I could do.”

“You don’t suppose you could’ve tried harder?” Saix said, walking by him.

Axel's expression became cross. “You know, _you_ could always go after him,” he said, turning around halfway, looking at the back of Saix’s striking blue head.

“Now, why would I do that if we have you?”

“Just a suggestion.”

“Keep those to yourself from now on.”

“Sure thing, _boss_ ,” Axel said, his tone cutting through the air.

Saix turned to face him. “Xemnas will be disappointed to hear about your performance recently.”

“Sheesh. What, you’re going to snitch on me now too?”

“Sora’s strength is increasing,” Saix said. “Xemnas can sense a presence in him that only grows by the hour. If the two are rejoined, all our planning will be for nothing.” He met Axel’s eyes. “That’s why we need him to reclaim his place in our ranks, Lea. Either way, your orders are to bring him back.”

Axel stayed quiet. _He doesn’t remember anything about us. About me. Nothing._ “I tried reasoning with him. Then we duked it out.”

"Yet you still lost. Was your mission not clear?" 

Axel spoke louder. “I doubt it that he’ll-”

“If he cannot come willingly, you know then what it is you must do.” With that final word weighing on him, Saix left.

Axel stood still for a long time, his hand passing from the back of his head to his mouth, mind racing on what to do.


	3. Icky Orders

Axel returned to his room after Saix had left him alone. He sat on his bed, contemplating events both past and present, wracking his brain for a good while as he tried to find a delicate solution to the issue at hand. When he went for a brief walk to clear his head, Saix caught up with him just as he was descending the staircase to the lower level of the castle.

"Xemnas requires your presence," he said before disappearing again.

Without much hesitation, Axel transported himself to the round room, wanting to get it over with as quickly as possible. Xaldin and Lord Xemnas then made it undeniably transparent of what needed to be done. Axel assumed Xaldin was there out of convenience rather than necessity, with Xemnas likely mentioning the matter to Xaldin in passing, alongside a personal performance evaluation before he showed up. Axel protested, not caring how much he revealed that the order bothered him. He did not fully understand why he had to terminate Roxas just yet, but after Xaldin severed off some of Axel's hair with his lance, and Xemnas threatened him further, Axel caved, giving his word that he would follow through. 

When he was in the hallway soon after, mustering up his strength to proceed, his hand found the ice cream stick nestled in his pocket. He took it out, flipping it over and over, examining it. He took pause, then realizing he had to distance himself if he was to execute the mission properly. He put the stick back, shoving aside the memories along with it as he opened a dark corridor, finding himself in the data-world once more.

Diz’s plan was laid out in neat order, but Axel disrupted the system yet again, struggling to reach Roxas.

“Look at what it’s come to,” he said, silently praying deep down Roxas would wake up and quickly recognize how much of a farce this all was.

As he spoke, the conversation from Xaldin and Xemnas continued to play out in his head. Then something new cropped up, needling at him. He gave in too soon under the pressure of being erased, but now regardless of what his choice was, in the end both decisions held consequence, now with more weight than before. Either destroy or be destroyed. The answer seemed so simple, so why did he hesitate?

Roxas vanquished all the enemies Axel had the energy to throw at him, but once he poised to strike, Axel found he couldn’t move. Roxas stared at him, his face expressing confusion, and then he glanced towards the sky. Axel could hear Diz’s voice too, though it was muffled. Then Roxas took off.

After what seemed like hours, but was more probable to be a good ten minutes, Axel managed to lower his weapons. His arms and torso ached. He heavily exhaled a few times, paining himself with each stretch. He thought to himself how Roxas was gone now too, once within reach but now miles away. The second companion he’d lost in a while - the other always around him but speaking empty words.

He summoned a corridor and directed its route to the basement of the mansion, where he sensed Roxas’s presence. He waited a moment before stepping through, questioning briefly if this was the right choice. When Roxas said his name, Axel erupted, livid that Roxas was now trying to remember their past. He surrounded them both with a huge wall of fire, and Roxas immediately produced two keyblades, leaving Axel beside himself. He expected to fight him to the death, willing to die there in his own fire than by Xemnas’s own hand.

With all but a drop of his energy spent, Axel stood slumped over and breathing heavy after Roxas defeated him. He started to lift one of his chakrams, debating how much force to put into his swing. Debating if he should knock Roxas unconscious, or if it would be better if he just killed him right then and there. He had killed before, twice. Why was it so difficult this time? If he killed Roxas, Axel sensed that he would just go back to Sora anyway, still throwing a wrench into the organization's plans. But if he let him go- 

“Axel.” Roxas said his name again, and he met Roxas's eyes. They seemed clearer now, as if a veil had been lifted behind them. _Maybe he truly does remember_.

Axel managed a smile. “Let’s meet again, in the next life.”

Roxas nodded and Axel started to faded back into the darkness, clinging to the last words they spoke to each other. _Silly. I wish- I could go with you._

~~~~~~~~~~

Axel wandered around Twilight Town, trying to make some last memories before the unavoidable happened to him. He went up to the clock tower, looking out towards the setting sun. He hung around the usual spot where he found a data-simulated photo of Roxas with three other kids. Then he decided against getting sea salt ice cream, recent events still too fresh in his mind. Something inside him shifted as he opened the dark corridor to sneak back into the castle. He put his hand to his chest, sensing that Roxas had finally rejoined Sora. A rather odd emotion welled up within him, but he forced it back down, entering the darkness to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Final chapter coming soon!


	4. Shattered

Axel kept a close eye out for Saix as he went to the showers. His coat stuck to his skin with sweat as he peeled it off before stepping under the water. The small cuts on his arms and face stung at first as the heat melted into him. He remained under the shower-head for a long time, burning his skin as the steam clouded his vision.

A sense of numbness overcame him, everything dissolving into a great haze. Even the aching of his cuts and bruises faded. He was just left with a big gaping hole in his chest. The chill of the air gnashed at him when he eventually stepped out of the shower, and he wandered back to his room in his towel. He cradled his ragged coat in his arms, his feet leaving a trail of water behind him.

He changed into some fresh clothes, staring into the mirror propped against the wall as he adjusted his gloves. He took note of the marks under his eyes, then shied away from his reflection, leaving his room. He drifted around the castle, not sure where to go next. He did not think to use the dark corridors at the time, half-dead on his feet with his eyelids heavy.

Axel made his way towards the city, to the skyscraper. The aching that continued to rise in his chest was unexplainable, a new raw emotion similar to what he felt earlier in Twilight Town, but this sensation was stronger. This was worse. He had experienced this type of pain only one other time, when he was younger and still naive. How could he feel such a thing now if he didn’t have a heart?

 _How much longer do I have to do this?_ He suddenly asked himself. His footsteps echoed off the walls through the empty hallways. _Everything I’ve done up until this point... Maybe it was to pretend like things had never happened. As if it could go back to the way it all was, if I just played along, ignoring the real issue._

He stopped then, meeting Saix's face, who stood not too far off from him. Axel’s memory blurred his vision, and instead of seeing the shell of a creature in front of him, he saw a young boy with a plain expression on his face. _I know I won’t forget you_ , the memory whispered to him. Axel held his breath as Saix stepped closer to him.

“You failed your mission,” he said flatly.

“Kid’s a lot stronger than he looks. He beat the crap out of me last time, remember?”

“Something tells me on both occasions, it wasn’t Roxas’s power that defeated you.”

Axel’s jaw clenched, eyes narrowing. “Something tells _you_? Enlighten me then. What do _you_ think it was?”

“Xemnas and I will not tolerate failures,” Saix said, summoning his claymore. “Your measly excuses mean nothing.”

Axel’s gaze drifted between Saix’s weapon and his face, eyes yellow and hallow. _Believe me, I try all the time,_ the voice in his head spoke again, more hushed this time.

He blinked. _Maybe it was me who tried to forget, but couldn’t bring myself to do it._

Saix lifted his claymore, and Axel held up his hand, his chakram materializing to block the strike. Saix, eyes still empty, applied as much pressure as he could down on Axel, forcing the latter’s knees to buckle.

_I did everything for you, but I guess I couldn’t bring you back, no matter who I betrayed, no matter how much I put on the line._

Axel shoved Saix off, his face pinched. Chakrams spinning, he rushed him, making contact with Saix’s stomach. He absorbed the blow, and countered, sending Axel skidding backwards. He winced, glaring at his best friend with one eye squinted closed. Pain tore at his limbs, and his breath came short and ragged, shoulders shaking with every wheeze. _Two fights in one day. What are the odds?_

Saix swung at him again, and Axel dodged each time, jumping backwards.

_Would it really be so bad if I just stood here and took the damage? If I just gave into it? Would he really-? Would he regret it later?_

He thought back to Roxas, but that memory faded into a more distant one. Two boys sitting by a fountain, looking up at a castle. Two boys sharing ice cream and punching each other in the arm. Two boys laughing and jabbing each other with snide remarks.

Axel blinked, and Saix knocked his feet out from under him. His chin smacked into the ground, and he lay there dazed. Saix approached him, claymore posed to kill and erase. Axel let out a breath.

_Fine. I see how it is._

He summoned his chakrams, and sliced at Saix’s shins. Saix grunted and moved back, and Axel got to his feet, weapons swinging slowly as they dangled from his arms. His reserves were more than just tapped. He had overexerted himself and now found it difficult to even stay upright as he stared down this inhuman husk. Axel's face ached, blood leaking from a cut over his right temple and cheek. His nose and bottom lip were also busted.

_I’m sorry, Isa. I should have tried harder._

Axel squeezed his eyes shut, then let out a yell, charging him. His chakrams dragged on the ground, sparks flying in his wake, and flames licked up his arms. He screamed as he jumped, both weapons raised to slam down into Saix, who performed an upper block. Axel launched himself into a backwards somersault, the hem of his coat skirting around his boots as he landed.

“You were always so useless,” Saix said, the mark in between his brows growing more jagged and pronounced.

He lifted himself into the air, his hair flying out as he became berserk. He struck Axel multiple times in the chest and back, locking him in a flurry of attacks. Axel couldn't get a strike in, Saix bludgeoning him every time he tried to move. He did a dodge roll, and shot out flames, forcing Saix back. As Saix landed several more blows, Axel leapt away, then summoned his last ounce of strength. He curled into himself, and with a harsh growl, expelled a huge ring of fire.

Saix slumped into a crouch, stunned, and Axel maneuvered closer. He froze, his chakram raised, looking at Saix's defeated form, dazed and panting. In a moment of doubt, Axel slowly lowered his weapon, stopping short of reaching out to touch his shoulder. Saix looked up into his eyes, and before Axel could defend himself, Saix brought his claymore around and struck Axel in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

He winced, struggling back with a hand to his chest. As Saix approached him, Axel's chakram found its way into his other hand, and he held his guard as Saix swung down repeatedly. Saix broke the cycle, suddenly vaulting and slammed his weapon down into Axel with great force. Axel collapsed to his knees, wheezing.

He stared up into those yellow eyes, once a striking green years ago. Tears rimmed Axel's eyes as his jaw clenched, one hand still to his chest. He believed that deep down, the Isa he knew would comment on his expression of anguish, or that Saix, distant and hostile, would ask why he was crying if he had no heart to feel with. But all Axel received was cold silence.

Isa was gone, and now this _thing_ that had overtaken his body and mind wouldn’t even acknowledge any sign of pain from something that wasn’t suppose to _feel_ in the first place.

Axel's head bowed, unsuccessfully fighting back the tears that now ran down his cheeks. Tears of disappointment, and of self-hate. He wasn’t supposed to experience this as a nobody, this sharp stabbing in his chest. Saix drew his claymore back, aiming to end him, but then Axel stood, managing to grab the weapon’s edge in one hand. Pain surged through his fingers, but he didn't care. He looked up into Saix’s face, his wet, green eyes echoing determination in his stern face, faint traces of his tears still on his cheeks.

Saix faltered. “What- is-”

Axel tightened his grip with a scowl, and Saix’s claymore broke into two pieces, small shards hitting the ground with a light twinkling sound. Saix stepped back, stunned as he stared at the shattered remnants of his weapon.

"How did you-" He glanced up at Axel’s face.

Axel's expression remained the same, a mix of emotions leaking through this mask he always tried to put on. He walked past Saix, their shoulders slamming into each other as he shoved him out of the way, jaw tight as more tears spilled over his cheeks.

“Where will you go?” Saix said, staring at the ground.

Axel kept walking.

“Axel!” Saix turned to see him summon a dark corridor and disappear, leaving him alone. He fell to his knees, leaning over his splintered claymore, his face in his hand.

~~~~~~~

Axel sat on top of the clock tower, a melting ice cream pop in one hand. He raked his knuckles through his eyes, traces of blood still lingering on his gloves, and he stared out into the sunset. He got to his feet, a new goal calling to him as drops of ice cream fell to his side. He let the ice cream slip out of his hand as he disappeared into a dark corridor, heading to the beach in a different world. He had his own work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this work has come to a close, sadly, but it was very engaging to write. Thank you for reading!


End file.
